When the werewolf finds love
by Zammie4eva
Summary: Sirius/Remus from first year to sixth. suckie summary, better inside. ON HOLD.


The Marauders – A Sirius/Remus fic from first year to seventh

Remus John Lupin stared wide-eyed at the Hogwarts Express on Platform 9 ¾.

The whole place seemed far too big, far too amazing to be real. He couldn't believe he was really here.

Someone coming through the platform after him crashed into him and they fell to the ground.

"Owww! Watch where you're standin' will you!" shouted the boy who had crashed into him.

"I-I'm sorry I didn't realise I was still standing in one place. Are you okay?" Remus squeaked. He didn't want to make enemies before school even started.

"Oh, yeah I'm fine." The dark haired boy looked up and Remus was blown away by how utterly handsome he was.

"You?" he asked.

"Y-Yes I'm alright," Remus stammered. The boy smiled and stood up, holding out a hand for Remus.

Speechless, he took it and the boy hauled him to his feet.

"You sure you're alright? You look like you just lost a battle with a panther," the boy said.

Remus was aware the boy was speaking of his numerus visible scars. He looked down. "No I'm fine, really. My skin just scars easily is all," he said.

"Oh okay. I'm Sirius by the way, Sirius Black,"

Remus looked up sharply. "Black?" he questioned.

Sirius's smile dropped.

"Don't get the wrong idea because I'm a Black, I'm nothing like my family, really I'm not, I hate everything about my heritage, you gotta believe me." he said.

"I-I believe you," Remus said. He did. Sirius looked so sincere and scared when Remus had questioned him about being a Black, and so Remus believed him.

He certainly didn't act like a Black, and that was good enough for Remus.

"I don't think I caught your name," Sirius said as they began to walk along the platform.

"Oh – I'm sorry, I'm Remus Lupin." Remus said.

Sirius grinned. "You say sorry a lot don't you?" he joked.

Remus blushed in embarrassment. "I'm sorry." He said.

Sirius laughed. "What for? Never say you're sorry to me unless you've got something to be sorry about. So what house do you think you're gonna be in?"

"I don't know, I never expected to be going to Hogwarts at all…Ravenclaw maybe," Remus shrugged.

"Whadda mean? All eleven year old witches and wizards get picked, you're not a Squib are you?" Sirius asked.

"No I'm not, but I still didn't think I'd ever…never mind," Remus shook his head.

It was stupid to be talking about things that his new friend would never understand.

The two found a compartment just as the train was taking off. Suddenly the door burst open and a boy with messy black hair and glasses came in.

"Jamie! Never thought you'd make the train mate!" Sirius cried.

The boy – "Jamie" – smiled tiredly. "Nearly didn't Siri, mum made a huge fuss over me this morning until I shouted that I was going to miss the train. Funny sight,"

"Oh, Rem, this is my best friend James Potter, Jamie boy this is Remus Lupin," Sirius said introducing the two.

"Hello," Remus said timidly.

"Hey, don't let the glasses fool you for a second, I ain't some nerd whose gonna obey rules, eh Siri?" James said sitting next to Remus.

Sirius shook his head. "Nope. Me and James are gonna prank the hell outta the Slytherins when we get to Hogwarts," he grinned.

"But…but what if you get sorted into Slytherin? I heard that every Black was a Slytherin," Remus said hesitantly, not wanting to anger Sirius.

Sirius scowled. "Yeah I know, which is why I'm gonna break that tradition, by getting into Gryffindor with James," he said.

James nodded. "That's right. Can't wait to see his family's faces when that happens,"

"How long have you two known each other?" Remus asked.

James looked thoughtful.

"Not long. We met in Diagon Alley getting school supplies, I remember because he stood up for me when his cousin Bellatrix tried to hex me,"

Sirius barked out a laugh at the memory. "Shoulda seen her face too, imagine – a Black and a Potter, best friends! It was a sight to be remembered,"

"That is was, that is was. And there will be many more to come," James agreed.

The compartment door opened again and a mousy-haired plump boy chewing his fingernails looked in.

"Do you mind if I sit here? Everywhere else is full," the boy asked.

"Not at all. Take a seat my good man," James said shifting to make room for the boy.

"Thanks. I'm Peter, Peter Pettigrew," the boy said sitting down.

"I'm James Potter, this is Sirius Black, and this quiet thing here is Remus Lupin." James said pointing to the others in turn.

"Hello, nice to meet you," Peter smiled. Remus smiled back. Sirius waved and engaged James in a conversation about Quidditch.

…..

When the four got off the train, they were told to follow the half-giant Hagrid to the boats to take them across the lake.

"Hi Hagrid, how are the Thestrals?" Remus asked running a hand through his tawny hair.

"Hello there Remus, they doin' fine, the herd's come back to the Forest," Hagrid replied.

"You know that guy?" James asked as they walked off after Hagrid.

"Sort of. My dad knows him." Remus replied guardedly.

"Cool. He looked half-giant, isn't that totally awesome?" Peter whispered.

"Oh come off it Pete, he'd probably be cool without being half-giant. Still, it is pretty cool," James replied.

Remus said nothing.

When they got into the castle, Professor McGonagall talked to them for a bit, but the four boys weren't listening, they were too busy looking around themselves.

Someone shoved past Remus and he fell for the second time that day, his fall caused Peter to come tumbling down and James to stumble.

"Oi watch it slime-ball!" Sirius shouted. The greasy-haired boy with the hooked nose turned and snarled at them.

"What Black? Oh, did I run over your friend? Pity, but then I don't see you doing anything about do I?" the boy snapped.

Sirius growled and pulled out his wand. He threw a cruse at the boy and a graze appeared on his cheek.

Remus stared in awe, they weren't supposed to know nay spells yet.

The boy snarled and walked off. "Yeah run Snivellus," James called after him.

"Potter! Black! Leave Severus alone will you!" a girl with long red hair and green eyes glared at them.

"Excuse me Evans, but he just happened to push Remus over for no reason, he deserved it!" James said.

"You two okay?" Sirius asked pulling Peter and Remus to their feet.

"Yeah, we're okay." Remus said.

The girl – Lily Evans as Remus later discovered – stalked off after Severus and they entered the Great Hall to be sorted.

To say Remus was nervous would be an understatement. He was shaking like a leaf and breathing heavily.

"Black, Sirius!"

Sirius grinned at James and walked up to the stool. A hush came over the Hall.

After a while of silence there was a cry of – "Gryffindor!"

The whole Hall gasped.

The Blacks that had already assembled at the Slytherin table gaped at Sirius, who proudly made his way to the Gryffindor table.

Then the Gryffindors broke into cheers and applause – imagine a Black in Gryffindor!

Remus wanted to smile at Sirius's good fortune, but he was too busy panicking about his own sorting.

"Lupin, Remus!"

Gulping, Remus walked up to the stool and the Sorting Hat was placed on his head.

Ah! So this is the werewolf I've heard so much about…let's see you've got a good mind…Ravenclaw perhaps…

Please not that, or Slytherin, I want to be in Gryffindor

Gryffindor eh? You do have lots of courage with that secret weighing you down…but why so certain?

I want to stay with him

The Black? Very well, this should be interesting…

"Gryffindor!"

Remus sighed in relief and smiled. Getting up he walked over to where Sirius sat waiting for him.

"Well done Remmie! You're with me! Good on ya mate," he cheered.

Soon all four boys were sitting at the Gryffindor table, laughing and talking about what Hogwarts would be like.

Remus hoped he could have a life here, and be friends with these boys without them finding out about him. Surely he could manage that…?

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"I'm tellin' you, something's up with Remus, I mean where does he go all the time?" Sirius insisted.

"I heard his mum's ill, and apparently she keeps getting worse, that's why Remus leaves, to go see her," James said.

"Oh come on Jamie you know that's not true. What kind of an illness gets worse every month?"

James sighed. "I don't know Sirius, maybe it's –"

"He's a werewolf!"

"What? What are you on about Pete?" Sirius asked.

"Look it says right here in this book, Remus gets tired for days on end, his temper gets shorter, he's always covered in unexplainable scars, he disappears for days every month, and I bet if you checked, each one of those days would fall on the full moon," Peter read.

Sirius looked at James. They all looked at Remus, who was sitting by the fireplace doing a homework assignment.

He did look tired and agitated. And full moon was that night. Could it be true?

"No way, we've known him for nearly a year now, he would tell us if he was a werewolf, wouldn't he? I mean he knows he can trust us," James said.

"I dunno James. I mean you know how Remus is, he doesn't really open up to people, let's face it we barely know anything about him." Sirius said thoughtfully.

"Are you suggesting that you think he's a werewolf?" James nearly screeched.

"And what if he is? Is that such a bad thing?" Sirius challenged.

"Of course not, that's not what I meant. What I meant was, you think that he goes through that all by himself, I mean you heard what they taught us in DADA."

"Yeah, I know…" Sirius sighed.

In truth, Sirius was terrified that Peter was right. He looked over at Remus and felt instantly terrified for his friend.

He'd been taught about how painful a transformation was, could his friend be going through that all alone, without telling them?

There must be something they could do, if it was true, even if they couldn't, why wouldn't he trust them enough to tell them?

"We'll follow him tonight, just to make sure." Sirius said.

James nodded. Peter put away the werewolf book and nodded in agreement.

"Right. Tonight, we find out the truth,"

….

"There he goes, down to the Whomping Willow, quick Pete get under the cloak," James hissed.

"Right." Once Peter was under the cloak with him and Sirius they followed Remus down to the Willow.

"Remember I'll be here at dawn to take you to the Hospital Wing, just lay still until I get here," Madame Pomfrey, the school nurse, whispered to Remus.

He nodded.

He looked scared.

Remus poked a knot of the trunk once Madame Pomfrey was gone, with the sun low in the sky he crawled through an unseen tunnel into the tree.

His invisible friends followed him.

They came out in the Shrieking Shack.

James looked at Sirius and he knew his best friend was thinking the same thing: this place was supposed to be haunted. That's why no one came near it.

It was here for Remus?

They followed him up the stairs, Sirius noticed he was breathing heavily and moving quickly as the sun sank beneath the horizon.

They stopped in a large drawing room on the top floor. The building creaked and sighed eerily as they entered.

Remus stood away from the window, avoiding the moonlight that was beginning to stream through, but he couldn't avoid the transformation for long.

James, Sirius and Peter watched in horror as their friend fell to his knees, screaming in pain.

His whole body began to twist and they heard Remus's bones break and re-break as they formed into a new shape.

Remus threw himself at a wall, his screams echoing through the building. Soon the Remus they knew was gone, in his place, was a werewolf.

The wolf Remus howled. But it didn't sound like a howl of joy or freedom, it sounded like one of self-loathing.

The wolf began to tear at himself, his claws sinking into his skin, howling in pain. He threw himself at the walls, tearing scratches into them.

He hurt himself in any way he could, he bit himself, he clawed at himself, he threw himself into objects and walls and he howled.

Sirius couldn't take anymore of this. "Let's go back to the castle, we'll meet him at the Hospital Wing in the morning," he said urgently.

The wolf stopped at the sound of Sirius's voice. He sniffed, then growled warningly.

"Back up, go!" they fled as fast as they could under the cloak, and ran all the way to the common room.

They could still hear the howls and growls and screams of their werewolf friend faintly in the distance.

As the sun rose, the howls turned back to human screams. Then silence.

The three friends looked at each other nervously.

After each had counted to a hundred in their minds they got up and headed to the Hospital Wing.

Slipping in under the cloak to avoid Madame Pomfrey was easy enough.

Staying silent as they saw her bringing in Remus was another thing entirely.

Sirius stifled a gasp of horror as their friend was carried in, blood and bruises and red raw scars littered all over his body.

His robes were in tatters, and Madame Pomfrey mended them with her wand.

She set him in a bed and began tending to his wounds.

He winced and screamed whenever she touched them. He woke up horribly in pain half-way through the treatment.

Remus shot up, then hissed in agony.

He fell back down again. "Not a good idea," he rasped. He pushed his hands into his eyes, hissing in pain.

Madame Pomfrey came back.

"It was a worse night than usual tonight, did something happen?" she asked.

"I don't know, I can never remember the full moons." Remus said lowering his hands slowly.

He gripped the mattress and hissed as Madame Pomfrey tended to the last of his scars.

"I think you should skip classes today Remus, you look terrible." Madame Pomfrey said.

Yeah no kidding, Sirius thought bitterly.

Remus nodded carefully.

"Now your friends will not doubt ask where you are, should I tell them the usual?" Madame Pomfrey asked.

Remus sighed. "I honestly don't think they'll buy that anymore, they know something's up, they've been asking me about it. But tell them anyway," he said tiredly.

"Okay. Now you get some sleep and you should be able to leave tonight."

Remus nodded and Madame Pomfrey left.

James looked at Sirius, who shook his head. It would be unfair to confront him now while he was so tired.

They would wait for him to come out.

….

When Remus entered the common room at somewhere near midnight that night, he jumped when he saw his best friends waiting for him.

He panicked. His heart was beating so loud and fast he thought it was about to stop on the spot.

"No…" he whispered. "You know…don't you? You found out…this can't be happening," he backed away until he was pressed against the wall.

Peter nodded. Remus felt tears well up in his eyes.

"Rem…" Sirius began. Remus looked at him, no, no not Sirius, anyone but Sirius, why did he have to find out? Just when he thought he had found a home…

He burst into tears and sank to the floor. James ran to him almost instantly, Sirius and Peter coming to crouch beside him.

James put a hand on his shoulder. "Why didn't you tell us?" he asked.

Remus laughed humourlessly.

"You think I could tell you this? Do you know what people think about werewolves like me? Do you really think I could ever tell you this?" he asked rhetorically.

Sirius felt his anger bubble to the surface.

"I'm actually kinda hurt you'd think we'd judge you because of this, but I can understand why you thought we would," James said.

"You…you mean you don't care?" Remus's eyes widened.

"No! You're our friend Remus, we'd never hate you because of something that is obviously not your fault." James smiled reassuringly.

"You – you don't want to stay away from me? You – you mean it?" Remus asked.

"You have no idea how much I want to hit you right now," Sirius finally spat.

Remus looked at him fearfully. "Sirius!" James shouted. "What the hell?"

Sirius glared at Remus, who shrank back in fear, which made Sirius even madder.

"We'd never abandon you Rem, you should know that by now, I can't believe you didn't trust with this, I thought we were friends," Sirius said.

"Sirius! Leave him alone, you'd be scared to tell someone if you were a werewolf too, look at him you're scaring him Siri, lay off will you?" James frowned.

Sirius blinked. He finally noticed Remus cowering from him in terror. It made him hate himself.

He raised a hand and the guilt pierced his heart when Remus flinched. But instead he wiped away the tears from his face.

"Sorry if I frightened you, I just got real angry for no reason. My family always told me horrible things about werewolves, and it makes me so angry because they don't know anything about them. You're the complete opposite of what they teach us, so what the hell do they know right?"

James smiled.

"He's right you know. Come on Rem you'll still be tired, we don't want you getting worked up since full moon was only twelve hours ago." Peter said.

Remus nodded. Sirius and James helped him to his feet and they put him to bed.

But that night, like every night after the full moon, Remus had a nightmare.

Sirius was the only one still awake, and he heard Remus whimpering in his sleep and stepped over to his bed.

He crawled in with him and hugged the smaller boy.

"Remmie, wake up," he whispered.

Remus's eyes opened. "Siri?"

"I'm here. It's okay, you just had a nightmare," Sirius smiled.

"Wh-what are you doing there?" Remus asked.

"Duh, I'm keeping the nightmare away, you wanna talk about it?"

Remus shook his head and buried it in Sirius's chest. Sirius felt an odd spark ignite in his stomach at the action.

He wondered on it, then ignored it as he tucked Remus's head under his chin, rubbing his back soothingly.

"How did you guys find out I was a werewolf? Did you look it up?" Remus asked after a while.

"Sort of. Peter read about it and first suggested you were a werewolf, so we followed you last night to the Shrieking Shack," Sirius said reluctantly.

Remus gave a muffled shriek.

"We watched you transform. It was horrible. Rem, you were attacking yourself, it was a horrible thing to watch, even more so when we saw you in the Hospital Wing,"

"You saw me afterwards too? Oh Merlin, I'm sorry you had to see that," Remus said.

Sirius smiled a little.

"Didn't I tell you not to say sorry to me for no reason? It's not your fault you're a werewolf. Do you know who…um…did it?"

Remus nodded. "Fenir Greyback. He bit me when I was seven, because my dad refused to help the Death Eaters, so they set him on me as punishment."

Sirius's grip tightened. He'd read about Fenir Greyback in the Daily Prophet. He transformed near villages to attack people, but his favourite victims were kids.

"Seven…you've been doing that for all this time? By yourself?" Sirius asked.

Remus sniffled and nodded.

"Well, not anymore. We'll come with you from now on,"

Remus panicked for the second time that night.

"Are you crazy? I'd kill you! It's a miracle I didn't tonight! No, you have to stay away from me at the full moon, I'm too dangerous Siri, I couldn't forgive myself if I hurt you,"

"No problem. Me, James and Pete'll become Animagi so we can come with you. It might take a while, but it'll be worth it. I don't want you to suffer alone Moony,"

"Moony?" Remus looked up at him questioningly.

"Yeah, suits you I think." Sirius grinned. "You like?"

Remus smiled. "I love it. Thanks Sirius,"

Remus would never forget James's face when he found them the next day.

He was laughing so much it took a punch to the jaw and a playful tackle on Sirius's part and a threat to never help with homework again from Remus to shut him up

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"Oh come on Moons, you gotta let me come with you! You'll bored to death on your own!" Sirius cried desperately.

They were in their fifth year of school and had successfully become Animagi two years beforehand before.

Remus sighed and moved a piece in his game of Wizard Chess he playing against James.

"And how to you propose to get away from your family long enough to do so? Besides I can always ask Prongs," Remus said.

"Yeah Pads, what am I not good enough for Moony huh?" James joked sticking out his tongue.

Sirius rolled his eyes and played along. "Well duh, no one's gonna have my Moony but me Prongs, and you know it,"

He hugged Remus possessively, causing him to nearly fall and disturb the chess board.

James gasped theatrically. "No! You fiend, how dare you take my beloved from me!" he cried.

Sirius mock-glared. "I am not the fiend here, you are! He's mine, hands off Prongs, I know you want him but I want him more than anyone in this world so back off!"

He buried his head into the crook of Remus's neck, his breath tickling the young werewolf's skin, making him shiver slightly.

He sighed and took his move, taking one of James's pawns.

"Padfoot get off me, I can't play properly." He said.

"Never. I'm never letting you go, unless you say I can come to the full moons during the holidays with you," Sirius said, his voice muffled by Remus's neck.

It took all of Remus's self-control to stop himself from snogging the Animagus on his shoulder. He wouldn't ruin their friendship just because of his stupid feelings.

Remus didn't think it was fair that he had to be a werewolf _and _in love with his best friend Sirius Black. I mean, come on, was the world against him or what?

"Fine. But you're getting to my house on your own," he sighed. Anything to make Sirius let go of him, he wasn't sure if he could control himself much longer.

"Yay!" Sirius let go and cheered.

James rolled his eyes and made his move on the chess board, taking one of Remus's knights.

"Don't you have that detention with Slughorn for not doing that essay? You're going to be late," Remus said.

Sirius groaned. "Did you _have _to remind me Moons? Ugh, I hate you. Fine I'll see you guys later then," he got reluctantly to his feet and left the common room.

Remus sighed. "Rem you okay? You seem down lately," James said.

"Nah I'm okay. Just a little stressed about OWLs," Remus said tiredly.

"Maybe you should get some rest, you look a little peaky," Peter said looking up from the cupcake he'd swiped from the kitchens.

Peaky. The word the three used to describe what Remus looked like whenever the moon was looming overhead.

In truth he did feel a little tired, the full moon was later on that week, maybe he _should_ get some rest.

He took up James's suggestion after they finished their game, Remus winning by a mile. He headed to the library first to pick up some new reading material.

Of course he was so tired he fell asleep at the desk, on the books – Remus would never forgive himself for that – and he was like that when Sirius found him hours later.

Using the Marauders Map and James' Invisibility Cloak he found Remus in an exhausted sleep in the library after his detention.

Carrying him would be difficult – not that Remus was heavy, quite the opposite actually – but it was going to be hard with the Map and Cloak.

So he'd have to wake him up.

"Rem…Remmie…Moony Moons…wake up sleepy, you can't sleep here you'll get a crick in your neck, come on wake up Remmie Rem," Sirius cooed softly.

"Mhmmm…Siri? That you?" Remus said waking up.

"Yeah it's me. You fell asleep, come on I'll take you back to the dormitory okay?" Sirius said.

Remus took a while to wake up fully and stand up, but eventually they made it back to bed.

Sirius often slept in Remus's bed if the werewolf was having a really bad nightmare, but sometimes he just did it when he felt like it.

Remus didn't ask him why he did it, because he liked to imagine it was because he liked him almost as much as Remus liked him.

Of course it wasn't true, but Remus liked to dream about it when he could.

But tonight wasn't one of those nights, so Remus just watched his handsome friend sleep from the gap in his curtains and fell asleep with dreams of Sirius.

….

"Oh man, what did you do Rem?" Sirius whispered catching a look at his friend's potions the next day.

"I have no idea, I mean I must've done something wrong but I don't know what…oh Sirius what do I do now?" Remus said panicking.

Potions was _not_ Remus's best subject. Oh he could get the theory alright, just not the practical. No one could ever figure out why.

Sirius looked around and saw Snape smirking smugly. Sirius glared. He must've messed with Remus's potion again.

"James," Sirius said lowly. James knew that tone well and without saying a word to each other they did a series of silent spells and directed them at Snape.

About five minutes later Snape's hair went bright pink and green polka dots, and his robes turned into a pink tutu. He looked like a drag queen.

The whole class burst into laughter, no one louder than Peter, James and Sirius. Even Professor Slughorn gave a little amused smile before allowing Snape to run off.

He sent daggers at the Marauders as he ran out of the classroom, but they paid no attention, they were too busy laughing.

"Let me guess, you two did that?" Lily asked icily glaring at the two boys.

"Evans, I'm hurt, how could you possibly believe I'd be involved in something that would upset you so much?" James said hurtfully.

Remus was amazed at how sincere he sounded. Lily just rolled her eyes.

"Look Potter," she began.

"Please, call me James."

Lily glared. "Look _Potter, _if you and Black do something like that again I'm reporting you to Professor McGonagall."

Sirius gaped. "You've got no proof, it's just your word against ours, right Pete, Rem?"

"Hey don't you bring me and Peter into this, you two started it." Remus snapped.

Sirius blinked. "Remus…"

"Don't you dare 'Remus' me Sirius Black. Lily's perfectly right, you attacked Severus again for no reason," Remus broke off with a tired sigh.

"Why can't you let go of you childish feuds already? It's getting pathetic."

"But Rem he messed with your potion, he was asking for it," Sirius defended.

"Do you have proof of that Black?" Lily asked.

"Well – no but –"

"Exactly. So how do you know it was Severus?" Lily continued.

"He always messes up Remus's potions, it's obvious it was him. Just because he's your _friend _Evans doesn't mean he does no wrong. He baits us into this kind of thing," James said defending his best friend.

"Oh really? Then if you were real men, you wouldn't take the bait, you'd walk away with dignity instead of stooping to his level," Lily argued.

Remus was getting a headache. He sighed. Sirius looked at him concernedly.

"Are you feeling okay Rem?" he asked.

"No I'm not feeling okay Sirius," Remus snapped. "Not that you would care anyway, considering you're the one who makes me feel like this all the time,"

Sirius blanched, "Rem I –"

"No just leave me alone Sirius. Excuse me Professor, may I be excused?"

"Of course Remus."

"Thankyou sir," Remus glared at Sirius before packing his stuff and left for the Hospital Wing.

Lily kept arguing with James, but Sirius was solely focused on Remus's odd behaviour.

He was only defending him from a creep who deserved it anyway, why was Remus defending him?

Sirius knew Remus never really approved of the way they treated Snivellus, but he'd never exploded like that before, so why…

Then it hit him. The full moon was soon. Remus always had a short temper and was tired easily during the week leading up to the full moon.

Guilt pierced Sirius's heart when he realised he always did this near the full moon.

He usually ended up being the one to send Remus running to the Hospital Wing because of his idiotic behaviour.

After class Sirius went straight up to the Hospital Wing to apologise to Remus.

"Stop right there Mr. Black, Remus wants no visitors," Madame Pomfrey said stopping him at the door.

"Please Madame Pomfrey, I have to see Remus, it's really important," Sirius pleaded.

"It can't wait until later?"

"I'm afraid not. I'll only be a minute, please let me see him."

"Madame Pomfrey, you can let him in," Sirius heard Remus's voice and knew he'd been crying.

Sirius's heart broke to pieces.

Madame Pomfrey moved aside and Sirius ran to Remus's bed.

"Remus I'm sorry! You've gotta believe me, I didn't mean to make you feel bad, I forgot what the time was, I'm really sorry, I do care about you, you've gotta forgive me or I'll hate myself forever!" he cried urgently practically throwing himself into Remus's arms.

"Sirius calm down, don't make such a big deal out of this. I'm just sorry I yelled at you," Remus said stroking his friend's hair.

"Why are you sorry? I'm the bastard here, you didn't do anything wrong, you can't control it," Sirius said. "Just please don't be mad at me Remus, I can't stand it when you're unhappy, especially if it's my fault,"

Remus felt his heart pound louder for a moment or two. "It's okay Sirius, let's just not fight anymore okay?"

Sirius looked up. "I can do that." He said.

"Good. Now be a good little puppy and bring me my chocolate, it's under my bed," Remus couldn't resist it, he kissed the top of Sirius's head and scratched behind his ears.

Sirius pouted. "I am _not _a good little puppy. Come with me and get your chocolate yourself," he said.

Remus smiled. "Fine then. But I'm not sharing any of it with you,"

Sirius had never run so fast to get something for someone before. Hey, Remus's chocolate as good, you can hardly blame Sirius for wanting some.

He promised not to fight with Remus again, he didn't like upsetting him, but mostly, he didn't like Remus being upset with _him._

So that's why he was so devastated four months later.

…..

"Oi Black where's your friend Lupin? Sick again?"

"Shove off Snivellus, I haven't got time for you right now," Sirius barked.

He wasn't in the mood to deal with Snivellus at the moment, he'd just gotten into a fight with his brother and got a letter from his mother telling him if he didn't stop hanging around a Potter and shaming the family he'd be disowned.

And now he was late to meet the others at the Willow, full moon was tonight and Remus needed him.

"What's the matter Black? You know your pretty pitiful, for a Black, aren't you supposed to be so much better than the rest of us? That's probably the only reason you've got so many girls after you, and those so-called friends of yours are no doubt just after your supremacy, isn't that right Black?" Snape smirked.

Sirius snorted. "I dunno 'bout the girls, but I know my friends don't care what I am, we're friends because we are, 'kay?" he said casually.

Severus realised that insulting him wasn't going to work, what about that Lupin kid…that seemed to strike a nerve before…

"You know, I reckon that Lupin must be pretty pathetic to get sick all the time, I mean what's wrong with him huh?" Snape goaded.

A muscle in Sirius's cheek twitched.

Snape smirked to himself. Just a little more and he'd find out what the heck Lupin got up to every month.

"I'm pretty sure that if Lupin really is so sick all the time he must be a pretty big pansy, not to just suck it up and take it, I mean come on it's not like he's dieing."

A fist connected with Snape's jaw. He fell to the ground.

"Don't you _dare _talk about Remus like that you little snake! You have no idea what he goes through, you don't anything about him you stupid git!"

"Well why don't you enlighten me then Black? Unless of course it's true and Lupin's just a fairy," Snape said standing up.

"How about you go to the Whomping Willow, poke the knot in the trunk to get in, then you'll se what kind of 'fairy' Remus is," Sirius snarled.

He stalked off to find the others.

Sirius was so mad at Snivellus he didn't realise what he'd done until James punched him when he told them about it.

"You idiot! You _told _him to go down there? What happens if he sees Remus transform? Or if Remus hurts him? Did you even think about that you idiot? He could be killed, and Remus expelled! Quick Pete we gotta stop him before he reaches the Willow," James and Peter ran off urgently.

Sirius stood there in a daze for a moment or two, before the realisation of what he'd done hit him hard.

"What have I done?" he whispered. "James, Peter, wait up!"

The three ran down the grassy slope towards the Willow in time to see Snape running for his life, an angry werewolf right behind him.

"Oh Merlin we're too late!" Peter cried.

"Snape! Unless you want to get killed I suggest you run!" James shouted.

Severus looked up from the werewolf to see the three of them running up to them. He stumbled away and watched as the werewolf went to swipe at him.

James jumped in front of him, the werewolf hitting his arm, breaking it with one swipe. James cried out in agony and clutched his arm.

"Remus don't!" he shouted.

Severus ran far enough away so he could see what was happening, but not be in the middle of it.

He never dreamed that one day he'd be saved from a werewolf by James Potter. Now he owed him his life, and Severus didn't like it one bit.

He watched Sirius leap in the air and transform into a black shaggy dog.

The dog barked at the werewolf, the werewolf whined and barked back.

The dog Sirius managed to convince the wolf to leave the prey in front of him and go back down the tunnel. He then transformed back to a human.

"Are you okay?" he asked James.

"No I'm not you moron! You nearly got us all killed! I'm gonna kill you Sirius! I'm gonna freakin' strangle you!" James screamed.

He leapt at Sirius, broken arm and all, but Peter held him back.

"Pete let me go I'm gonna stab him for selling Remus out! How could you? You promised him you would never tell anyone, you promised Sirius, this is gonna kill him!"

"I'm sorry! I wasn't thinking, I know what I did was horrible, but no one's dead, it's okay. I'm sorry!" Sirius cried.

"Sorry won't help Sirius, Pete get Snape to Madame Pomfrey, make sure he's alright. Sirius, don't come with us at dawn, go back to the dorm," James ordered.

"But James –"

"Go back to the dorm Sirius! Pete let's get to the Hospital Wing, come on let's go," James took Pete and Snape back to the castle, and Sirius trudged back to the dorms like he'd been told.

James threatened to kill Snape three times over if he told anyone about anything he'd seen that night, and surprisingly, Snape agreed on the spot.

He figured it would make up for James saving his life.

James thought it must've just been the shock talking.

Unfortunately James and Peter had to explain what had happened to Madame Pomfrey, Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore, and that they knew about Remus.

They left out that part that they were Animagi, and that they usually went down with Remus, but they told them what Sirius had done and how Snape had gotten there.

At dawn, James's arm was healing and in a sling, Peter was chewing on his fingernails nervously, and Remus was waking up in his bed in pain.

"J-James? Peter? Wh-what happened tonight? I know something's different, what happened?" Remus asked sitting up, ignoring the pain in his sides.

He saw James's arm and gasped. "Did I do that?" he asked.

"Well…yeah you kinda did, I didn't transform in time so yeah," James said hesitantly.

"Oh James I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry I didn't mean to!" Remus cried.

"It's okay Rem it doesn't hurt anymore, and it's healing okay," James said.

It was then that Remus noticed one of his friends was absent.

"Where's Sirius?" he asked, afraid of the answer. Did he kill him? Had he hurt him too?

"Back in the dorms," James said. Remus blinked at the icy tone in James's voice.

"Why?" he asked.

James sighed and didn't answer. Peter provided an explanation.

"Well, Sirius is not welcome anymore," Peter said.

"But why? What happened? Tell me!" Remus demanded shrilly.

"Sirius…told Snivellus how to find you," Peter said reluctantly.

"…What?" Remus asked numbly.

Peter told him the whole story of what had happened the night before.

…

Sirius sighed unhappily to himself, Remus should be awake by now, probably freaking out because he wasn't there.

James or Peter would have to tell him what had happened eventually. He wished he was dead. How could he have done that to his best friend?

His best friend that he also happened to love?

The door opened quietly. Too quietly.

Sirius tensed, slowly turning he saw Remus enter the room calmly. Much too calmly.

"Why?" Remus asked blankly.

"W-Why?" Sirius stammered.

"Why did you do that to me? Why did you tell Severus, why did you betray me Sirius, tell me why you did it!" Remus screamed.

Sirius winced at the volume of Remus's voice.

"I'm sorry." He said weakly.

"_You're sorry? _You think that's going to fix everything? _You're sorry? _You've got to be kidding me! You are sorry Sirius, but not because you hurt me, because you're in the wrong. You're sorry because I'm upset with you, you're sorry because everything in your world isn't perfectly happy with you anymore, you're not sorry because I almost killed someone and broke James's arm in the process, you're not sorry that the Ministry is coming tomorrow to evaluate me, to decide if I need to be executed because I'm too dangerous, no you're sorry because you did something wrong!"

Sirius tried to speak but Remus was shouting again.

"It's a miracle I didn't kill any of you last night, it'll be a miracle if the Ministry let me live beyond tomorrow. Don't you understand Sirius? Snape knows about me, I could be dead by this time tomorrow, don't you care at all? Just what was going through your mind when you told him about me? I need to know _why_!"

Sirius wanted to cry. He wanted to kill himself. He hated himself. He loathed himself. He wanted nothing more than to wake up and find this was all a bad dream.

He wanted Remus to smile at him and tell him it was just a silly dream, that he'd never hate him no matter what.

He wanted him to laugh and kiss his forehead and call him a good little puppy. He wanted to give Remus the answer he wanted. But he couldn't

Because he didn't have one.

"I don't know what to tell you Remus, I don't know what I was thinking. Snivellus started insulting me, and that I didn't care but then he started saying how you must be so weak to always be sick, and I was having a bad day before that so I just snapped and told him to go down to the Willow and then he'd see just how weak you weren't. I didn't mean for any of this to happen, it was just supposed to be a prank. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Moony."

"Don't you _dare _call me that! You've lost the right! Merlin Sirius do you understand how much you've hurt me?" Remus was crying now.

So was Sirius. He did know how much he hurt Remus. He nodded.

"No, no you don't Sirius. You don't know at all. Merlin I _loved you! _I've loved you for years and you go and do something like this! I practically worshipped you! How could you do that to me?" Remus was shouting again.

Sirius froze. Remus loved him? For _years? _

"I knew I was never your best friend but I believed you when you told me you cared, I believed you when you told me you weren't like your family, I believed you when you told me you'd never hurt me, that you'd never tell anyone about my secret. I believed you and you betrayed me! I don't love you anymore Sirius, I hate you! _I hate you so much! I should kill you where you stand! _I hate you Sirius Black I hate you!"

James burst through the door at that point. He crossed the room and punched Sirius in the face. Peter comforted Remus while James beat the hell out of Sirius.

Sirius didn't defend himself, he knew he had no right to, he hated himself now anyway. He was grateful that James was beating him up, at least _he_ wouldn't hurt Moony.

"You're a rotten prat Sirius! You're nothing but a Black to us now, you're dead to us, do you hear me? You're not to come anywhere near me, or Peter, or Remus for the rest of your life, got it? You keep away from him! Stay away from all of us!" James punched him one last time then carted his friends down the stairs.

"You might want to go to see Madame Pomfrey for that," Peter threw coldly over his shoulder.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Sirius didn't know how long it'd been since he ate, or slept. He didn't really care anyway.

He was back at Grimmuald Place now, and he didn't know which was worse – never seeing Remus or seeing Remus look so upset and cold whenever he looked at him.

He hadn't left his room for nearly a week. He didn't pay any attention in class anymore, he never ate at dinner or lunch or breakfast, he never spoke to anyone.

Sirius had moved dorms, he'd moved in with Frank Longbottom, who wasn't speaking to him either.

He didn't know what happened, but he knew that if Remus wasn't going to forgive Sirius then it must be bad.

And Frank thought that anyone who would hurt Remus that bad for any reason didn't deserve a friend. So he never spoke to Sirius, as did the others in their year.

He still got pestered by his legion of fangirls, but they had decreased in Gryffindor when they saw Remus look so hurt by Sirius.

Sirius lay on his bed, only half-conscious of the world around him. He thought back to the last time Remus had spoken to him, it'd been a week before the holidays.

~Flashback!~

Hands enhanced with werewolf strength shoved him against a wall in an abandoned hallway.

"Would you eat something for Merlin's sake you prat!" Remus hissed furiously.

"Why? What's the point, I don't care about myself." Sirius said dimly.

"Stop trying to make me feel guilty you jerk! Do you think I haven't noticed how you don't sleep, don't eat, don't talk, what is wrong with you, isn't killing me enough for you? You want to make me guilty too?" Remus snapped.

"No it's not like that. I don't want you to be guilty, you didn't do anything wrong it's me. You shouldn't care about what happens to me, I don't so you definitely shouldn't. Don't worry about me Remus, I'll just go away so you won't have to look at me anymore." Sirius said trying to make Remus feel better.

"You idiot! Do you think that's what I want? You might not be trying to make me feel guilty, but you do! I still care about you Sirius, I –"

He began crying, leaning his head against Sirius's chest. "I still love you. I hate you, but I love you too. Just, at least look after yourself for my sake, please."

Remus left him then, wiping his eyes and walking off to find James.

Sirius had stood there, dazed. Even if Remus asked him to, he didn't think he'd be able to look after himself.

He didn't care anymore. Remus shouldn't love him. He'd show him that. He prove to Remus that he didn't matter, that he didn't deserve his love.

He show Remus just how pathetic he was.

~End Flashback!~

Sirius sighed in resolve. He knew what he was going to do.

He took down the family owl and wrote a letter to Remus, saying goodbye.

If he couldn't have Remus, or his friends, ever again, then there wasn't much point in Sirius's eyes.

I'll show you a sweet dream next time ~

Ha that sentence at the end there was from Vampire Knight, I'm gonna use it at the end of every chapter in this little saga just coz I can. I don't own Vampire Knight but I wish I did so I can slap Yuuki and make her be with Zero and not that damn Kaname (sorry to all Kaname fans) and of course Hanabusa Aidou would in WAY more coz I just luv him, and Rukia would be dead, and Ichiru would have NEVER DIED because he's just too awesome.

Ahem, anyway, what will Sirius do next? (Even though it should be pretty obvious, if it's not then please don't feel dumb that's not my inetnion) and will he win Remus? If I don't get enough reviews I'll make that a no. so review if you want to see Remus and Sirius happy together! See you next time.


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